So is this what you call motherhood ?

It has been quite a while since I have written and most definitely a lot has happened since then. The meaning of “US” has got redefined from the two of us as a couple to the three of “US” as a family with the arrival of our precious little girl. Yes, I have become a mother…

Though nine months seems like a good enough time to prep oneself before the arrival of the little one. No book and no amount of time can train you for the actual experience. As one of my friends had rightly said -“You are well-equipped with numerous qualifications and certificates from schools, universities and other institutes before you land up with a job. But absolutely nothing before a baby comes!”

I remember being absolutely overwhelmed and so clueless while holding my daughter for the first time and trying to nurse her also for the first time.

To rewind a bit, I was blessed to have had a wonderful pregnancy with absolutely no morning sickness and nausea etc. I was working and driving till the day before. I very happily used the baby as an excuse to eat everything or get it bought by my husband at my whims and fancies. J

Moving on to the D-day,the actual labour was far better and easier than what I had imagined it to be. I had a normal labour and let me take a moment to say-“ God bless the guy who found epidural! ”. Our daughter was born on 03/03/14 weighing 2.99 kgs at 7.34 pm after a long 16 hours of labour.

At the hospital, we were flooded with wishes from all over. And contrary to everyone’s expectations, my other half goes on to develop cold feet and completely stumped on seeing the baby. He was panic stricken that he was completely ill-equipped to bring up a child and if he would become a good father.

Whereas on the other hand it drove me nuts that with the recovery rituals prescribed for new mothers, the husband and wife had to sleep in different rooms which means that we were unable to catch up on the daily events before going off to sleep how we used to and further there was no alone time for us. I would miserably think about trivialities such as if would we ever be able to go for spontaneous dinners/late night movies as we did before.

Further, sleep on the other hand seemed like a luxury with waking up to feed the baby every two hours or even lesser. I remember the first night back from the hospital, we couldn’t sleep for a wink. Definitely, things got so much better after that as she quickly fell into a routine of sleeping longer at nights.

Also, did I tell that I was so fortunate to have both mothers to take care of the baby and me so that I could get absolute rest to recuperate. But since the grass always seemed to be greener on the other side, I craved for my independence to go out whenever I wanted like before be it to work or the grocery shopping or even to the cinema. That first month went at a snail’s pace for me with the monotonous routine of long oil baths/interrupted sleep patterns/strict diets being a nursing mother.. I now realize that I was so selfish and can’t help but being hard on myself. To think of it, those were the days that the baby herself is absolute new to the world and was finding it utterly difficult to cope up with the new environment. However after that first month, time sure flew with witnessing new milestones almost everyday. Be it the smiling when fast asleep or being able to stretch out both her legs or her developing clearer vision and to be able to smile consciously.

The age-old cliché is so true. How a baby changes your life, your relationships and your priorities. How families are brought together or how you become closer to your mom or how you realize you have been taking your mother for granted till now. Or how I am discovering wholly new characteristics of my husband, now the father who rushes from work to see the little one or who calls me constantly when travelling to check on the baby or seeing him rocking her to sleep.

Before I know, I was back at work and there I was hoping if I was only able to stay back at home to be able to watch every movement or expression of my daughter. Why is that I have to try so hard now to go to work everyday leaving those toothless smiles or loud giggles? Or how I wish I could fly after work from office to home to just be able to see her laughing and silly antics. But why does it also mean that I have to be so intensely vulnerable now? Why is that my insides tremble and hurt each time when the nurse administers her vaccination shots or when I read about pedophiles and crimes against children. How is that tears dribble down my face when she’s getting her ears pierced or I lose my mind on hearing her shrieking cries when the doctor prescribed to draw blood from her?

Or what is the instinct at 3am to hold her close only to realize she was at the edge of the bed just a step from falling down?

Is this motherhood? It surely has been a bumpy ride till now and will be for sure. But I can proudly declare that I wouldn’t trade it now for anything else in the world.

PS: A lot of things written above might seem negative to a whole lot of you reading it, but this was to pen down my feelings truly and openly and not just to paint a rosy picture.